Michael Buble and Everything Christmas

It’s late November, and you all know what that means…

It’s Michael Buble Season!

That’s right. Depending on where you live in America and how much of a sociopath you are, Michael Buble season begins sometime in October and can often go beyond the allocated December 25th deadline, bleeding into January.

If you still haven’t figured out what I’m talking about, let me enlighten you – I’m referring to that one stretch of the year when Michael Buble actually matters, and that’s the Christmas Holiday Season.

While I love everything “Christmas,” there are a few complaints I’d like to lodge with ya’ll regarding Christmas music and the fast and loose allowances people give themselves to play it.

For the love of Little Baby Jesus (you know, that dude 99% of these songs are about), please don’t play them until maybe around Thanksgiving. That’s more than enough time to get your Jingle Bell Rock on.

Can someone (or preferably a bunch of people) make more, NEW catchy Christmas tunes? There are maybe 13 songs that everyone from Tony Bennett to The Chipmunks to Reba McEntire has covered.

Part of the reason normal people get so sick of Christmas music is that it’s the same freak’in 13 songs played over and over and over again with no end in sight. That would be like listening to the Space Jam soundtrack for two months straight but having musicians from all genres doing those same songs. That’s not Christmas… that’s a torture technique.

Speaking of the Chipmunks… fun fact for you all. The Chipmunk Christmas Album is every bit as popular today as it was in 1962, which is just SUCH A HUGE RELIEF.

Because boy do I love listening to Alvin, Simon, and Theodore belt out “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” ten times in a row. Granted, if you don’t have kids or aren’t near them around the holidays, you’ve probably been spared the hell that is the Chipmunks’ whiny, high-pitched voices. But, on behalf of parents everywhere. Can I make a formal request to have this album brought out to pasture and shot right in its stupid face?

I get it. “All I Want For Christmas is You” is an incredibly catchy song. Maybe one of the all-time best Christmas songs and one of Mariah Carey’s best songs, in general. But – again – I don’t want to hear it 50 times a day in 50 renditions, sung by 50 artists. It’s never going to be as good as the first. Stop trying.

Finally, while I know Anglo-Saxon people pretty much think everything belongs to them, the “holidays” is not “Christmas season.” There’s a multitude of other holidays that occur from the beginning of October through Dec. 31st and they don’t all revolve around Christian white people. So stop trying to dominate the airwaves with your crappy music. There is other music to be enjoyed… you know, like that one Hanukkah song ever written.

As a final note, I want to make it clear that I don’t hate Christmas and I’m not a Grinch. Quite the opposite, I LOVE Christmas. This is why I want you all to stop fucking with it by celebrating it months in advance. It actually makes it so that, by the time ACTUAL Dec 25th rolls around, all the excitement has become lackluster.

So, for the sake of all things Holy Baby Jesus and the sanity of your coworkers and loved ones, use Christmas music sparingly like you would wasabi or the last roll of toilet paper. Thanks.

2 comments

  1. Andrew

    You’re the epitomy of what a racist, Christophobe is. Though you claim to be open-minded, tolerant in regards to Christmas, the celebration of our Lord & Savior’s birth for the salvation on mankind, your lies are apparently simple to see, & merely serve to manifest your hypocritical nature. Hatred such as yours and your intolerance for white Christians are precisely why our world has become diseased with your breed of intolerance.

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