Confessions Of An “Energy Healer”

I must confess that I’m not actually an Energy Healer.

However, I worked for one of the largest Energy Healing “schools” in the world which taught thousands of people around the world how to unleash their mystical powers — for a pretty steep price. 

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A 4-year curriculum (yes, four years) with tuition, travel and other requirements total around $40K to $50K a year.

Want to become a better Energy Healer? Two years of advanced studies are also available for a similar cost.

Now, one would think, “What kind of a nut would pay this kind of money and who would have this kind of money to learn a craft which most accept as fantasy in the first place?”

Certainly not me.

I was the nut who designed and produced their print and web promotional and education materials for a number of years — a job’s a job, you know?

As a primer, Energy Healing is not Faith Healing, where a religious leader smacks a poor crippled soul on the side of his head and he miraculously throws his crutches into the air and starts dancing the Mambo.

With Energy Healing, the poor soul lies on a table, and the healer achieves the same miracle simply by waving hands over the body, never, ever even touching. The cured patient then jumps off the table and dances the Mambo, Cha Cha, or dance of his choice.

Energy Healing works on the principle that the human body contains seven chakras. These are little swirling balls of energy, like little baseball-sized hurricanes rotating in alternating, opposing directions, situated in the center of the body running head to toe.

Emanating from our bodies is the Aura, seven layers of an energy field, kind of like a Star Trek force field. One such layer was good enough for The Enterprise, but for some reason, Energy Healers love that number “seven.”

By the way, don’t try to see your energy field or chakras on an X-ray or MRI. You won’t.

Illness, according to them, is caused by disruptions in how the chakras rotate, or by damaged or undeveloped layers of the energy field. The Energy Healer can fix your screwed up human energy field and chakras by using his or her superior human energy field and chakras to make everything okay.

Remember that their energy field and chakras have a 4-year education, whereas yours spent that time just working a regular job to pay the mortgage. Who are you to question them?

Energy Healers actually find many people who believe this stuff, and that’s the easy part. You see, Energy Healing doesn’t only appeal to people with chronic physical pain or life-threatening diseases that real medical treatments can’t cure.

A large number of their patients also suffer from mental illness and distress, and they view Energy Healing as their last resort. Back in the Wild West, barbers also served as dentists, so in a way, Energy Healers are today’s barbers, except they can’t even cut hair.

But who is the Energy Healer? What kind of backgrounds do they come from? Why do they make this expensive, long-term commitment to achieve accreditation as a “Real McCoy”  Energy Healer?

A great many are just “out there” in that wacky New Age Stratosphere, still listening to the original 1960s Broadway soundtrack of Hair,  but somehow they have a lot of money. (You know the type. Inheritance from a rich, dead aunt is a wonderful thing.)

These folks become full-time Energy Healers because it’s fun playing God!

But a surprising number are professionals, certified homeopaths and massage therapists, psychiatrists, chiropractors, even MDs, who put their Energy Healing diplomas on the wall and now have something else to sell. (Energy Healing does no physical harm, so no problem with any pesky Hippocratic Oath.)

So just pay the money, and you too can have magic at your fingertips. So much magic, in fact, that the founder of my Energy Healing school claimed that on a cross-continental flight, she saved her 747 from deadly lightning strikes by using her energy field.

With such power, perhaps we’ll one day see an Energy Healer working on The Enterprise.

2 comments

  1. Donnie Bskerv

    It’s not all about the energy healers power.
    It’s maybe about the beliefs of the individual person!
    This is true with everything in life. If you believe you receive.’ It’s in the Bible, it’s in the universe. I have experienced this several times in my life and it’s real. It doesn’t happen in a chant or prayer . It happens when you believe it’s going to happen before it happens, no mater what anyone else thinks . No mater how unrealistic it seems to your senses . It’s the secret that few people experience. Your not trying to act like God or play God. You just believe the way Christ believed.
    The same way s child believes. You just believe.

  2. E. Watkins

    I am a bona fide channeler, but would never presume to call myself anything other than a friend. By gathering (channeling) the excess energy given off by all living things, I can make a sinus headache go away or reduce the swelling and soreness in a strained muscle. By focussing the energy into my fingertips, It is all about helping the body focus its own healing powers. No magic; no incantations; no potions. Just pushing a little extra kinetic energy into the same spot where the sufferer’s own healing energies are going speeds the natural healing process.

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