I recently read a publication from a wildly popular mom blog/website entitled: No, You Don’t Owe Your Husband Sex. Ever.
The content that proceeded this headline was pretty much exactly what you would extrapolate just by reading the title – an emotionally-charged testament by a female author as to why wives should never feel obligated to “put out” for their significant other.
Allow me to preface a few things before delving into the problem with this viewpoint. Firstly, I am a female. Secondly, I’m a feminist. Thirdly, there have been plenty of times I didn’t want to have sex with my S.O. and felt no guilt in verbalizing as much. Lastly – and most importantly – I don’t think you should EVER HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING. EVER. (Unless it’s driving under or at the speed limit in the passing lane. Then, do everyone a favor and cut that shit out or buy a bike.)
At face value, the author of the previously mentioned article was correct. Women don’t technically “owe” their husband or boyfriend sex. But the same is true on the flipside. A man does not “owe” his wife flowers, jewelry, grandiose gestures, cuddle time, help around the house, and all the other actions that help grow and solidify a relationship.
Nobody “owes” any person anything – romantically or otherwise. But that’s a HORRIBLE way of approaching matrimony or any other romantic union. It’s also more than likely going to set you up for failure and unnecessary heartache.
Like it or not, sex is an integral part of human connection and it is a primitive, biological need of most homosapians – largely for men.
I recognize this is a very blanketed statement and there are plenty of exceptions to the rule but, by and large, men require physical intimacy more whereas women require emotional intimacy more. Obviously, both sexes require both and those needs go through ebbs and flows, but I’m generalizing in order to make my point.
If a man were to write an article declaring that husbands were NEVER indebted to hold their wives’ hands in public, coddle them when they are upset, give them foot massages when they are tired (or one of the other million gestures most women appreciate and need in a relationship) that writer would A) be absolutely correct, as nobody has to do anything for anyone and B) look like a ginormous asshole in most readers’ minds.
Relationships are a two-way street. You have to nurture your partner’s needs just as much as you expect him/her to nurture yours. And yes, sometimes that means doing things we don’t always want to do like going to the Opera or letting their in-laws stay with you.
Let’s be clear: IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE FOR ANY PERSON TO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE PERSON THEY LOVE.
Intimacy is a fundamental part of a healthy and happy union. Him wanting that and you continually shooting that down does not make HIM selfish; it makes YOU selfish. Withholding sex is unfair and (quite frankly) borderline manipulative.
You simply CANNOT abrogate such a huge part of a relationship while also expecting every other aspect of your relationship to remain intact and unaffected. Are you really okay denying one of the most enjoyable parts of life to the person that you agreed to love, take care of, and support?
Because if the answer is yes, then you may want to reevaluate your own priorities and what you are bringing to the table. Bottom line: Abstinence shouldn’t be used as a weapon to punish or hurt another person.
By no means am I saying a woman should give in to every one of her partner’s sexual desires. Furthermore, I’m not saying there aren’t going to be rough patches in your life that thwart your sex drive such as having kids, going through menopause or depression, or feeling insecure with your body.
These are all natural and legitimate reasons to not want to have sex. Hell, I’m not even suggesting you don’t have every right to completely cease intimacy with your spouse for the rest of both your natural lives. Maybe he’s a lowlife that doesn’t deserve it! Strap on a chastity belt and throw away the key, for all I care.
But don’t expect celibacy to not affect your relationship. It’s going to cause serious rifts and potentially ruin your relationship or marriage. So, no ladies, you don’t ever have to give in to your husband’s sexual needs. However, the consequences and ramifications of abstaining from sexual intimacy over a prolonged period of time are just as much on you as they are on him.