Have you heard the news? Lori Loughlin’s daughters, Olivia Jade and Bella, have been kicked out of their sorority
Apparently, even spoiled children of the upper crust have a sense of dignity and propriety – or maybe it’s just vanity. After all, Olivia Jade and Bella are hardly the first drug-addled wealthy brats to weasel their way into the ranks of the educational elite by hook or by crook – in this case, by crook.
And maybe their fellow teen wastrels were harboring the hope that hob-knobbing with the daughters of a Hollywood celebrity might actually boost their own career prospects – and even land them a spot on some crummy sit-com.
No longer. Being associated with the good-for-nothing progeny of a yoga-loving helicopter Mom who thinks bribery is a class entitlement has become a liability.
So, suddenly the sorority girls of 90210 have become oh-so-high-minded, don’t you know! Olivia and Jade have been told “no,” quite possibly for the first time in their shabby, self-indulgent lives. And no means no, girls. Don’t try to sneak in the back door of Delta Gamma Phi for weekend keggers with the frat boys.
Should we feel sorry for these two? In some ways, yes. They didn’t choose their parents, and it’s not clear the universe did, either. Still, they didn‘t fall far from the tree.
It turns out their billionaire father did nothing to obtain his college degree except steal the answers from past exams and pay others to write his papers. In the past two decades, student “ghost-writing” has become a veritable cottage industry.
Retired professors and lowly adjuncts are becoming “hired pens” and cranking out A-level work for anyone with a Venmo account. The rabble are storming the academic citadels and demanding degrees, by any means necessary
Can you really blame them? We now have presidential candidates in one national party demanding that college be free and that recklessly indebted student be allowed to skate without paying. What about all the past students who did it by the book and are now gainfully employed, paying back tens and even hundreds of thousands in student loans?
Apparently, it’s a bit like illegal immigration. Even if others waited their turn, you still get a free ride, and they don’t. This is the Democrats’ newfangled definition of equality. Damn the meritocracy! And damn merit, excellence, and achievement, too. Level the playing field? No level everything to the lowest denomination possible – and get them to vote D, too.
But here’s the rub. The courts, those beloved saviors of our broken-down institutional system and according to polls one of the few entities that Americans seem to trust besides the military, are going to throw the book at Lori. Prideful and defiant, she refused to cut a deal with prosecutors like her fellow glitter queen – and one-time A-list actress — Felicity Huffman did.
Loughlin seems to think that she can defy the laws of gravity – and criminal justice – and just Namaste her way out of a jail sentence. She has no real defense – and everyone knows it, except her, of course. Right now, she’s living the Vida Loca but her one-time friends are no longer returning her calls.
When the appeals run out, she’ll be breaking some rock alongside some mean-looking Butches and could well find herself married to the woman with the most cigarettes – or tampons.
But look on the bright side, Lori! After your nervous breakdown, at least one suicide attempt and a forced hospitalization or two, you could well enter a State of Grace and become the next Martha Stewart. Martha ended up turning her prison ward into a low-brow version of her own hit television show. She managed to make lots of new friends and survived — her honor and dignity long gone — but most of her wealth and family life intact. America loves a comeback story, and it’s also addicted to reality TV shows.
So, whatever facility you end up in, Lori, do find a way to invite the cameras in to watch. You and your photogenic girls might one day surpass the Palins in terms of sheer gall and notoriety. Bag the yoga, borrow a rifle – your liberal weenie friends don’t own one – and go on a safari and shoot a wolf or something. Work it, Girl. This is ‘Murica.